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"Never will we stand together in Amsterdam looking at Vermeer's Woman Pouring Milk. I will never hold Michelle's hand, either, aside from in a game of ring-around-a-rosy.

The power of a beautiful woman's words is beginning to scare me. Did we not talk enough about reef decay in Honduras?

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It's not even half the size of Reese Witherspoon's. The reason in this case is my two-year-old son's nanny, Michelle. Before my wife and I hired her, I thought that hot nannies existed only in vintage Penthouse Forum letters and Aaron Spelling dramas. Originally, I planned to send a personal ding letter to each of the unsuitable guys. By day four, we've gotten close to fifty approaches. I have a growing list of instant deal breakers:• If the guy uses the word lady or ladies in his opening e-mail. My fantasies are a bit more risque than that, so maybe I should hold off until you know me better." I write, "Send them to me. He writes back, "Let's start with the tamest version of my most common fantasy -- taking you to a strip club on amateur night (although there is nothing amateur about your photos! We click on a thirty-four-year-old who describes his job as international investigator for a corporation -- whatever that means. "If we have kids, they'll have huge chins," she says. Maybe Michelle is starting to see me as a fellow woman. The chin issue notwithstanding, a couple of days later Michelle goes on a date with the international investigator. Maybe she'll find some chemistry with Ted from Long Island, the one with eight siblings. And so is "Loveable Hal." I know she'll find it with someone. Go to work and come home, and play video games." The next day, Michelle and I write him a note: "I just wanted to say that I think it's great that you take care of your mom. I don't think we're right for each other (I don't believe in long-distance relationships), but I think you'll be a catch for some lucky girl."Well, it's something.